The advice we give others, is the advice that we ourselves need

“The advice we give others, is the advice that we ourselves need.” – Gian-Carlo Rota

There are times when it is extremely easy to pick out the faults or issues of another person.  We look at their decisions in life and we go straight to their core to figure out why they do it.  I think this is probably because we can relate to the person in that area, which makes it easy to identify their faults.  We naturally look for similarities. We quickly identify ourselves in others.

I once heard this same idea described in terms of frustrations.  The things that frustrate us about others are the things that we often don’t like about ourselves.  We struggle with correcting the issue ourselves so it is reassuring to see the same fault in someone else.  The funny thing is that we don’t use this as a way to connect with others.  We rarely bond with another over the qualities that we don’t like about ourselves.  Instead, like the quote says, we give them the advice that we wish we could follow ourselves.  We allow ourselves to feel better about the issue by recognizing it in another.

I used to think that the source of all the major issues in the world came back to insecurities.  I essentially thought that all the worlds problems were created because certain individuals had allowed their insecurities to lead them into bad decisions that affected others.  I think there is some truth to this, but the reason I had come to this conclusion was because all the issues in my life at the time were due to my own insecurities.  I was projecting them on others.  How insecure of me to project my insecurities…

I guess my question is, should we give advice that we need ourselves or are we better off remaining quiet?  I don’t really know.  There is value in both.  However, when you do give advice, be humble, because you probably need to hear it yourself.

How much is enough?

 

From the New Yorker, May 16th, 2005

True story, Word of Honor:
Joseph Heller, an important and funny writer
now dead, and I were at a party given by a billionaire
on Shelter Island.

I said, “Joe, how does it make you feel
to know that our host only yesterday
may have made more money
than your novel ‘Catch-22’
has earned in its entire history?”
And Joe said, “I’ve got something he can never have.”
And I said, “What on earth could that be, Joe?”
And Joe said, “The knowledge that I’ve got enough.”
Not bad! Rest in peace!”

Kurt Vonnegut

What is enough?  That is a hard concept to grasp in any area of your life.  What is enough money to make?  What is enough time exercising? What is enough support from your spouse?

When does ambition stop being a good thing and turn into a cycle of reaching and achieving that consumes you?  If we are constantly in pursuit of goals that we cannot see and things that we cannot afford then how will we ever be happy?

Princeton did a recent study that came to the conclusion that there was no connection between higher levels of happiness and money after a person reaches $75,000/year.  For some people that is a hard goal to reach.  For others they have met that long ago and moved on but still are not happy.  Why do you think that is?  Constant pursuit for a number that you have never set is a road to disaster.  You may be thinking that you are working harder to provide more for your family so they can have the best life possible; but there is a point where money will no longer provide that and your time and love become far more critical to reaching that goal.  How much money is enough?

What about your fitness?  Most people stop a workout because they are not seeing results fast enough.  Most of the time this occurs because they set the bar too high.  Why isn’t enough being able to play with your children or grandchildren?  Maybe it is being able to play in the weekly ultimate frisbee game with your friends.  If that is enough then you don’t need an intense workout schedule and an expensive gym membership.  You just need to jog for half an hour three times a week.  It is mentally daunting to try and reach goals that seem so far away.  If you don’t figure out why you are getting in shape then you are creating a huge barrier to success in your fitness.

How much food is enough?  Who said we need to eat three meals a day?  Who decided the size of the plates and bowls that we use?  Your weight would drastically change if you simply had smaller portions.  My good friend made the insightful observation that when we are picking out places to go eat, we often think of what restaurant provides the most food.  You think restaurants don’t realize this?  They know that if they fill the plate with something cheap, like fries, then we will feel like we got a great deal and want to come back.  Have you ever sat around at the end of a meal with your friends and continued snacking on the fries just because they are there?  Haven’t you already had enough?

What about your spouse?  I once heard that many people get divorced because their spouse provides them with only 80% of the things that they are looking for in a mate.  When they meet someone new that has that other 20% that is missing in their life, it excites them.  It is new and intriguing.  They want to go and check out what this new thing is like.  Problems arise.  Cheating might occur and this person now has the new 20% that they have been looking for.  However, what happens a couple months down the road when that 20% is not new and exciting anymore?  They will want that 80% back that they had with their spouse.  Regret will follow.  The questions becomes, is that 80% really not enough?  Maybe your spouse only has 75% or maybe they have 90%, but if you are always looking to have the full 100% then you will never be happy.  No one is perfect.  We are all full of flaws.  I hope that you don’t think that you are providing 100% of what your spouse wants because I doubt it.  It is just not real. Continue reading “How much is enough?”

Life Lessons from Backpacking

This past year, I spent eight months backpacking with my brother.  We spent seven of those months in New Zealand and one of them in the Philippines.  It was a great experience but it was definitely not what I expected.  For someone who is fresh out of college, backpacking seemed like the greatest opportunity imaginable.  No homework, jobs or responsibilities.  You see different parts of the world and meet new and amazing people.  A chance to get away from the regular routine of life and just be free.   Most importantly, it is an opportunity to get in touch with yourself and reflect on who you are and who you want to be.

That is exactly what happened to me.  However, I was expecting that to happen during some mystical self reflection time where I was analyzing who I am. How naive. To my surprise it happened through my daily routine.

Lessons:

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Create vs. Consume

I love to read.  I read a book about every two weeks.  They tend to be business, psychology or personal development books because that is what I am interested in.  I truly enjoy reading and that is why I am able to get through books relatively quickly.  However, I have started to realize a problem with this, I read too much.  Most people don’t view reading too much as a problem, but it definitely can be if it is preventing you from what you should spend the majority of your day doing; creating.

Don’t get me wrong, I think reading is great and ABSOLUTELY necessary to become a healthy and well-rounded person.  However, spending all of your leisure time reading allows you to FEEL PRODUCTIVE without actually creating anything tangible to show from it.

Gaining knowledge is just the first step in obtaining your ideal life.   I consider this the CONSUMPTION PHASE.  You realize that you have a passion for cooking, hiking, writing, business, etc. and you start to read books, blogs, and magazines all about this topic to learn what other people are doing or saying about it.  This can be an exciting time because you are joining a community that shares your passion.  You start to learn new aspects of your passion that you never knew existed before.  Since this is something that you care about, you want more and more.  You want to learn new secrets and tricks that only this unique community knows about.  This is not a bad thing.  All this knowledge will feed your passion and keep you pushing forward.

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How Facebook Could Cure Overspending

Tim Ferriss recently wrote about an idea for a gym that would get incredible results.  He claimed that it would have higher attendance rates than any other gym created.  This would then lead to major health improvements.  The members simply had to agree to a few requirements when they signed up.

The first requirement is that when you register for a membership, you must submit a picture of yourself in your underwear.   You must also sign a form that allows the gym to place the picture on their website if you do not show up a set number of times to exercise (e.g. three times a week).

The second requirement was that at the beginning of each month, you would pay an extremely high membership fee.  This would be something like $600.  The gym would then gradually pay you back throughout the month as you came.  For example, the gym would return $50 to your account each time you came to exercise until your total reached a normal membership fee of $50.  Therefore, you make the initial commitment at the beginning of the month and then you are forced to come after that.

The point that Tim Ferriss was trying to make is that negative social pressure can be used as a positive tool.  It might sound a little strange, but we can use public humiliation and fear of financial loss to remove bad habits from our lives.

I began to wonder if this principle could be applied to personal finance.  Could we use negative social pressure in order to create a system where people would save more and also be more strategic with their spending?  Given our current financial situation, I think this would be extremely beneficial.

Continue reading “How Facebook Could Cure Overspending”

The Giving High

I have been fortunate enough to go on several mission trips in my life and they have all been incredible experiences.  Upon returning home from these trips, the common result is to be  on an emotional high.  Your whole perspective has shifted and you now have a new understanding of the world.  It is difficult to put into words, but you are simply in a joyous state.  The difficult part is trying to hold onto this feeling once “normal” life takes over.  Your routine sets in and that high drifts away.  People with similar experiences always want to know how to hold onto this high.  I think there is a simple solution.

The reason that we are on a high is because we have been giving to others the entire trip.  We are on a GIVING HIGH.  We are blessed with a situation focused on giving to others all day, every day.  It could be anywhere from a few weeks to a few years.  During that time, you are constantly serving others. It is usually in a place that is in severe need, so the people being helped are extremely grateful.  This gratitude increases the high.  People like to be appreciated.

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How to Revive Any Relationship

If you want to turn your life around, try thankfulness.  It will change your life mightily.  ~Gerald Good

Growing up we are always taught to be grateful for the blessings in our lives.  We are told to take a few moments each day to reflect on those things that we appreciate.  However, that is not very practical.  That may sound a bit harsh but it is true.  We have busy lives.  Sadly, it is rare that a person will randomly stop what they are doing in order to look at the good things in their life.

Occasionally, someone does something extremely generous, all your plans fall into place or some natural beauty will overwhelm you and you will realize how lucky you are to be alive.  Those extravagant moments don’t happen as often as we would like.  We have too many wonderful things in our lives to sit back and wait for them to slap us in the face in order for us to show our appreciation.  We are greatly underutilizing the power of gratitude by waiting for those moments.  We must turn gratitude into a habit if we are to fix this problem.

“Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.” – Cicero

I was first introduced to the idea of a Thanksgiving Journal by Darren Hardy.  The basic concept is to identify something in your life that you are struggling with.  This could be anything from a lack of motivation at work to a struggling relationship.  At the end of each day, write one thing that you are grateful for about the situation.  For example, if you are married then you might be grateful for the dinner that your spouse made or the beautiful smile that you are so attracted to.  This can be any tiny detail that you are grateful for.  The more specific, the better.

Continue reading “How to Revive Any Relationship”